I have bad days too.
I was going to write about our weekend trip, about how even though I'm terrified of rollercoasters, I rode one six times in a row with my hands up all the way up; about how I slept on an air mattress in a walk-in closet; about how I got to visit
Emma and Elsie's gorgeous shop,
Red Velvet, on the way back home. But after several failed attempts at writing about it, I couldn't bring myself to do it because there are more important things to be addressed. It is not my intent to be melodramatic or a drama queen, but this is a subject that's been weighing heavily on my heart.
Over the past few weeks, I've had quite a few people asking me if I ever had bad days or times when life seems anything but perfect. The other day, I found this question in my ask box on
tumblr:
"I'm going to ask you something and I don't want to seem discouraging or negative. Okay? Take this as a question/some advice from a longtime follower. As a few other people have mentioned recently, your life seems perfect. We know that's not true, but to read the blog, it would certainly seem so. I would love to see more of the real Carlotta. Reading about a perfect life all the time is like a too-sweet dessert--good for the 1st bite, not so much after that. Could we see more of the real you please?"
Though I've written a bit on the subject before, instead of responding to it directly on tumblr, I thought I'd answer it here instead.
When bad days happen, I keep silent about them on the internet. This isn't because I don't want to be "real", but because I don't need or want to throw myself a public pity party...and there are some things that I'd just like to keep private. I don't pretend to lead a perfect life or try to make it look like I do. I blog when I'm inspired, and I'm most inspired when life is going well. When things inevitably go awry, I vent to my diary and cry myself to sleep and try to put on a brave face in the morning.
However, I wanted to let you all know that there is another side to me. I'll admit, sometimes I feel like I'm living a double life, and that gets tiring. But that doesn't mean that what I write here isn't the "real" me. I love being a blogger. I could not survive without taking photographs, writing pretty paragraphs, and having the chance to be creative and sharing it with you all. Though not intentionally, I'm simply a bit different when I write than when I talk and interact with people face to face.
This is why it may seem that I'm not being "real" enough, but I'd like for you to know a little bit more about the other side of me.
I'm shy in groups of people and blush easily. I've never been the popular one, but the friends I have are the best a girl could ask for. Cloudy weather depresses me, I don't like cupcakes, and I'm a bit (okay, a lot) of a grammar nazi. I over-think everything and have the unfortunate ability to think myself straight into depression. I can't wait to be done with my teenage years and spend nights crying into my pillow because I feel so lost and empty. Tuesdays are my least favorite day and I live for the weekends. I love to be creative but often get stuck in ruts. I compare myself to others too much and I am envious of other people's lives far too often. I don't eat as healthy as I should and struggle with my self-image. My right ear sticks out more than my left and it is the bane of my existence. I have a terrible habit of biting and picking at my cuticles until they bleed. My family is my everything and I cry too easily. And when the workload piles too high, my mood is down, and I can't seem to do anything right, I have bad days too.