7. parameters

I’m afraid that by focusing so much on delight people will get the wrong idea about me, or think my life is exceptionally idyllic (there is a strange assumption I’ve encountered that if you live in Colorado your life must be perfect). I have both the blessing and curse of being able to see beauty even when I’m suffering—a blessing because, well, beauty is necessary, of course it is, but a curse because beauty can be alienating, and you find yourself thinking, How can I truly be depressed if I am still able to feel a jolt of gratitude for the sliver of light caressing my lover’s face? But in the short week I’ve been doing this practice—and this is why I started, for the hope of reaching this point—the hole in which I’ve been wallowing for months suddenly doesn’t feel as deep or wide. It’s not that zeroing in on delight suddenly erases despondency, but it has suddenly given parameters to my turmoil, and I’ve found myself increasingly able to live alongside the discomfort rather than being wholly engulfed by it.

(Oct. 20)